Sunday, March 18, 2012

"This One Time" Part 2: Another Collection Of Short, Humorous Vignettes

This one time I had sex with this girl. "I'm pretty experienced, and I'm pretty nasty," she told me. She was wearing a bright pink thong practically made of string and matching bra. She climbed on top and started to ride wildly. She laughed and screamed like a psychotic banshee. She spoke in tongues and flailed her arms, "Fuck me hard and give me a beard! Make me your little sex monkey!" When we finished, I took my condom off. She looked me dead in my eyes and snatched the condom from my hand. She emptied the condom directly into her mouth. I hadn't masturbated in weeks. She stared directly into my eyes as she gargled and giggled happily. Her laughs turned demonic. Her laughs echoed through the halls. 


I stared back in horror...and slight arousal.

This one time I had sex with this girl. She told me she always wanted to try to deep throat. She thought of me to be a capable candidate for that. She bucked and rode with vigor in the pitch black loft. She hopped off and went down on me. "I want you to come!" she cried in ecstasy. I was able to feel her tongue salivating all over me. She was struggling trying to shove me down her throat. "I'm coming!" I yelled. She coughed and gag and I released in her mouth. She swallowed and The next thing I heard was sobbing. She cried as she sat at the foot of my bed. Nude. "What the fuck happened?" I asked. "It's not you. I promise. I thought about my ex-boyfriend when you came in my mouth." She continued, "When I was with him, he forced me to swallow, and you didn't force me to do anything! You just let me and I'm crying because he's a piece of shit, and you're so wonderful and--" Her voice trailed off and I laid back down.


"Fuck it. At least it wasn't me," I thought to myself. I fell right to sleep.

This one time I had sex with this girl. She said to me, "No way! You can't make a girl squirt! That takes skill!"I stared back and whispered, "Challenge accepted." The moon spilled light onto her face as she moaned with ecstasy. She forgot about everything. It was about an hour in. I got on my knees as she lay on her back, out of breath. I dug three finger inside her and started pushing onto her spot. She yelled and screamed into her orgasm as she started to squirt all over my wrist. Her yells turned into intense grunts as she started to projectile her liquid onto a wall behind me. Her come made its way into an electrical outlet. The holes in the wall fizzled and sparked in reaction to the liquid. One of the sparks flew onto the adjacent linen curtain. We stared into each other's eyes as the room turned red. "Where is that red light coming from?" she asked. The curtain was set ablaze with fire. We both yelled, "FUCK! FUCK!" Luckily she had a fire extinguisher in her kitchen for just such an occasion. The fire went out. Her curtains and some of her books were turned to ash. The building's fire alarm went off as we stood together in the nude and stared blankly at her burned wall. The room was filled with smoke. We heard a knock on the door. It was one of the neighbors. "Is everything okay in there? Hello?"


She turned on the nearby lamp and asked, "How the fuck are we gonna explain this?" 



This one time I had sex with this girl. She was bisexual. We met at a lesbian bar a friend dragged me to. We made out the entire night in a drunken frenzy. She took me back to her apartment on Varick. She rubbed and tugged me the entire way. I was able to smell how horny she was on the cab ride. She led me upstairs and ripped my clothes off the second we entered. She pleasured me in her living room and I pleasured her back. "Come to my room!" She made me chase her. I followed her to her bed. It was pitch black. She pushed me onto one side her large king size bed. We were both in the nude, "I don't get it a lot but tonight, I'm ready for it." I was barely able to see her, but I could see the twinkle in her eyes. She moaned and begged as her sultry, naked body lay on top of mine. 


The next thing I heard was a deep booming female voice going from directly next to me, "I've been waiting!" I yelled instantly, "What the fuck was that?" I threw her off me and got out of her bed in a rush. I looked for the lamp and flipped the switch. The light came on and a large black woman was laying in bed completely in the nude. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? NO! NO! FUCK THIS!" I yelled in terror. She looked no less than 300lbs. Her breasts flowed down her naked chest like a vomit inducing waterfall. She was wearing pink weave and had a large black vibrator and lube ready on the night table next to the bed. She looked over to the girl from the bar, "Is this motherfucka gonna fuck us or what?" she asked. "Bitch, is this a trap?" I asked with fury. I instantly rushed to the living room and dressed myself. The girl from the bar approached me, "I'm sorry! That's just my roommate! I can make her leave!" I angrily made my way towards the door and left. She opened her door and watched me leave. I was able to hear her last words as I stormed down the hallway,


"Call me!"











*this entire post is a work of fiction


Monday, March 5, 2012

Pause The Game

WATCH THE NEWEST SHORT FROM YOUTUBE'S NEWEST UP AND COMING COMEDY DUO IMSERIESOUS

"PAUSE THE GAME"

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PRESS THAT START BUTTON JUST A LITTLE TOO HARD?