Dear, Snooki's Unborn Child
So apparently, it's been three months in, and the public is just getting news of your arrival. That's awesome and we can't wait for you to come into all of our lives. There is just one big, BIG problem. Your mother is a total piece of shit. She is a loathsome cunt, disgusting and untalented media slut, and she begs for apocalypse. As you lie inside your mother's womb developing you can probably already hear the camera shutters going off and the TMZ crew shouting questions at mommy.
As you grow, you're probably going to want to love your mother unconditionally as all children would naturally do, but I honestly think you're going to want to rethink this one. There are plenty of other women in this world who clearly don't deserve children, and then get pregnant anyway, but your mother just tops the list in a big way. I'm not great at talking to unborn kids, much less in an open letter, but your mother fucking sucks.
Everyone is going to be waiting for that one day 12 or so years from now when you find those old DVDs of your mom in that one show she was in that made her famous. I promise, you will most likely be in complete shock. This is also implying that she had the decency to hide her "Jersey Shore" persona from you as you live your childhood with everything being served to you on a silver fucking platter. You're gonna find those DVDs, watch then and ask mommy what "smooshing" is. You're going to wonder what mommy is drinking and why she's getting into all those fights. She's probably going to want to lie and tell you "I got into all those fights and slept with all those guys for you, baby!"
I'll share some wise words with you:
You can take the girl out of Jersey
But you can't take the Jersey out of the girl
And you can't take the baby out of the Jersey girl
Or the Jersey out of the baby...or...
Whatever, fuck it...
What I'm trying to say is that your growth could go one of two ways:
1. You grow up to become a fat, disgusting, untalented, media whore like mommy. You start your own "brand" at a young age and you become the "Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Britney Spears" for the new generation. You become a new heir/heiress as your mother continues to grow in net worth. You do nothing but drink, party and fight at the young age of 16. You become the new center of attention because of your lineage. You begin to grow a following of people who love you and idolize you, and people who want you and mommy dead. You mother becomes old and decrepit as she begins to show age by the time she turns 34. You marry, fuck and date celebrities at an accelerated rate and your face ends up on everything from thermoses to books and pencils without you doing much of anything.
2. You break free from your mother's creed and become an amazing person. You detach yourself from mommy and you grow yourself up, and teach yourself life lessons while your mother continues to bathe in her undeserved limelight. You go to an Ivy League school and get a PhD in Astrophysics. You discover your mother's past persona (assuming mommy eventually gets over this whole "Jersey Shore" thing) late in your life, but it doesn't bother you because you realize you're better than mommy. You gradually become wrought with embarrassment as your mother continuously remains the butt of every joke, ridiculed with stereotypes and racial slurs. Being followed by paparazzi and getting questions shouted at her about her 5th love interest for that month. You sit beside your mom in disdain and embarrassment.
If it ever comes to the latter result, I want to conclude by telling you that if you decide to run away from your mother, or completely disown yourself from her, or decide to kill her once and for all...
No one at all will blame you.
In fact, here are some fun pictures of mommy to help you make that decision:
A severely concerned member of society