Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Open Letter To Snooki's Unborn Child

Dear, Snooki's Unborn Child

So apparently, it's been three months in, and the public is just getting news of your arrival. That's awesome and we can't wait for you to come into all of our lives. There is just one big, BIG problem. Your mother is a total piece of shit. She is a loathsome cunt, disgusting and untalented media slut, and she begs for apocalypse. As you lie inside your mother's womb developing you can probably already hear the camera shutters going off and the TMZ crew shouting questions at mommy.

As you grow, you're probably going to want to love your mother unconditionally as all children would naturally do, but I honestly think you're going to want to rethink this one. There are plenty of other women in this world who clearly don't deserve children, and then get pregnant anyway, but your mother just tops the list in a big way. I'm not great at talking to unborn kids, much less in an open letter, but your mother fucking sucks.

Everyone is going to be waiting for that one day 12 or so years from now when you find those old DVDs of your mom in that one show she was in that made her famous. I promise, you will most likely be in complete shock. This is also implying that she had the decency to hide her "Jersey Shore" persona from you as you live your childhood with everything being served to you on a silver fucking platter. You're gonna find those DVDs, watch then and ask mommy what "smooshing" is. You're going to wonder what mommy is drinking and why she's getting into all those fights. She's probably going to want to lie and tell you "I got into all those fights and slept with all those guys for you, baby!"

I'll share some wise words with you:

You can take the girl out of Jersey
But you can't take the Jersey out of the girl
And you can't take the baby out of the Jersey girl
Or the Jersey out of the baby...or...

Whatever, fuck it...

What I'm trying to say is that your growth could go one of two ways:

1. You grow up to become a fat, disgusting, untalented, media whore like mommy. You start your own "brand" at a young age and you become the "Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Britney Spears" for the new generation. You become a new heir/heiress as your mother continues to grow in net worth. You do nothing but drink, party and fight at the young age of 16. You become the new center of attention because of your lineage. You begin to grow a following of people who love you and idolize you, and people who want you and mommy dead. You mother becomes old and decrepit as she begins to show age by the time she turns 34. You marry, fuck and date celebrities at an accelerated rate and your face ends up on everything from thermoses to books and pencils without you doing much of anything.

Or:

2. You break free from your mother's creed and become an amazing person. You detach yourself from mommy and you grow yourself up, and teach yourself life lessons while your mother continues to bathe in her undeserved limelight. You go to an Ivy League school and get a PhD in Astrophysics. You discover your mother's past persona (assuming mommy eventually gets over this whole "Jersey Shore" thing) late in your life, but it doesn't bother you because you realize you're better than mommy. You gradually become wrought with embarrassment as your mother continuously remains the butt of every joke, ridiculed with stereotypes and racial slurs. Being followed by paparazzi and getting questions shouted at her about her 5th love interest for that month. You sit beside your mom in disdain and embarrassment.

If it ever comes to the latter result, I want to conclude by telling you that if you decide to run away from your mother, or completely disown yourself from her, or decide to kill her once and for all...

No one at all will blame you.

No one.

In fact, here are some fun pictures of mommy to help you make that decision:




Signed,
A severely concerned member of society


Monday, February 27, 2012

I'm Goin' Down To South Park: My Top 5 Favorite Characters

I love South Park. Absolutely love it. It's one of my favorite shows of all time. Matt Stone and Trey Parker are the true kings of the social and political satire and they deserve all the praise they get. If anyone knows how to make fun of people, races, creeds, or stereotypes, it's these two. Most of the characters on the show are very multi dimensional, which adds to the beauty of the show. Everyone loves Stan, Kyle, and even Cartman with his playful Nazi, anti-semitic ways.

But these are MY top 5 favorite characters from the Emmy Award Winning Series:



5. Principal Victoria


She used to be voiced by Mary Kay Bergman, and then by Eliza Schneider and April Stewart. I don't know what it is, but there's something about her I absolutely love. She's probably one of the most intelligent people in the school faculty. She's able to run the school pretty well despite the zany crew like Mr. Garrison, Chef and Mr. Mackie. In "Breast Cancer Show Ever" she revealed to Wendy that she was a breast cancer survivor while aptly and cleverly comparing Cartman to cancer, and that she must beat the shit out of him. I also love her extremely thick Minnesotan accent. 



4. Mayor MacDaniels (The Mayor)

Formerly voiced by Mary Kay Bergman, and then by Eliza Schneider and April Stewart. I love South Park's mayor because she is just so lovingly corrupt. She claims to be making major changes, when really the town sees no change at all. She takes very unorthodox measures to counter problems in South Park. In the episode, "Spontaneous Combustion" people start blowing up into ashes without explanation, and leaves the town geologist Randy Marsh to take care of the problem, being the only scientist available. Or else. Or else what? Exactly. God Bless You, Mayor McDaniels.

3. Timmy Burch

Voiced by Trey Parker. Ever since his first true appearance in "Timmy2000" he's seen his fair share of adventures. He entered 4th grade and almost immediately had his wheelchair turned into a time machine and went back in time all in the same episode. He's friends with the only other handicapped character on the show, Jimmy Vulmer. He competed in the Special Olympics in the episode "Up The Down Steroid", played Hellen Keller in the episode "Helen Keller, The Musical!" and even becomes a member of the Crips Gang in the episode "Krazy Kripples". All while only being able to say "Timmy!" 

2. Mrs. McCormick

Formerly voiced by Mary Kay Bergman, and then by Eliza Schneider and April StewartNot much really needs to be said about Kenny's mother, probably one of the most underrated characters on the show. I love Mrs. McCormick because even though she always seems drunk and enraged, always fighting her husband Stuart, both physically and verbally, she still displays a deep love for Stuart, Kenny and the rest of her family. I love her because it doesn't seem to bother her at all that she lives in a poor and unkempt home. In the episode "Quintuplets 2000" she appears to be the only one who wanted to really nurture Kenny's apparent prodigal ability to sing. "Well Kenny, if it means that much to you, maybe we can bus it to Europe and you can sing on the way and make money!" she says to Kenny. She appears to be able to birth a "new Kenny" every time he dies, as revealed in the episode "Cartman Joins NAMBLA". Watch the episode "Mysterion Rises" for a MAJOR spoiler about this woman and why Kenny is the way he is. 

1. Randy Marsh

The man. The myth. The legend. Voiced by Trey Parker. I fucking love this man and he is everything I strive to be. A family man who loves his wife Sharon, daughter Shelly, son Stan and Grandpa and would be willing to do whatever it takes for them. He appears on the show as a bumbling idiot, and drives many of the show's major plots. Some of my favorites of his exploits include purposely getting testicular cancer and growing gigantic testicles only to obtain medicinal marijuana in the episode "Medicinal Fried Chicken", becoming obsessively addicted to the Food Network and then temporarily becoming the new school chef in the episode "Creme Fraiche", and embarrassingly spouting the word "niggers" on national television in the episode "With Apologies to Jesse Jackson". On top of that, he became a "metrosexual" in the episode "South Park Is Gay", became addicted to virtual heroin in the episode "Guitar Queer-O" and became the Guinness World Record holder for "Biggest Crap,"in the episode "More Crap" against U2's Bono. In the pivotal episode "You're Getting Old", after Sharon excoriates him for the various schemes and fads that he has often briefly taken with over the years, like getting in fights at baseball games in the episode "The Losing Edge" and playing World Of Warcraft with Stan in the episode "Make Love, Not Warcraft", Randy reveals to Sharon that he is unhappy and has been for a long time. Sharon returns the feeling and they do not feel the same way for each other. This episode featured a theme of finality in the series, but despite that, the series pushes on. I love Randy because even if the episode doesn't center on him, you can see how susceptible he is to these situations. In the episode "Chinpokomon" Randy and Sharon watch the popular Japanese show Chinpokomon to see why the kids love it so much and Sharon reacts by saying, "This doesn't make sense! Are those stupid things supposed to be animals or robots or what?" To which Randy replies, "I don't know, but I suddenly kind wanna own them all!" Randy Marsh is number 1 for me because he is just your everyday man. A regular guy who lives in a regular town who happens to get himself stuck in crazy situations. 

Honorable Mentions:

Stan and Sharon Marsh
Kenny and Stuart McCormick
Mysterion
Clyde Donovan
Father Maxi
Officer Barbrady
Tweek Tweak
Chef
Flora Neal
Dr. Doctor
Wing
Uncle Jimbo and Ned
Tuong Lu Kim
Mr. Derp
The Little Pink Christina Aguilera Monster
Kurt Loder
Jonesy from The Lords of the Underworld
Chinpokomon Executives Mr. Ose and President Hirohito
Phonics Monkey

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

"The 11-Year Plane Crash" A Short Story


     His name was Giovanni. His mother called him Jose. He wasn’t known around the block when I first started seeing him around, but neither was I. We weren’t friends. We weren’t enemies. We never once traded words. Even to this day. I only knew of his existence. I only knew of him from word of mouth. His friends. My friends. Eavesdropping. We were both just kids who happened to live in the same building. It was an apartment building run down with tenants of character. I was usually able to recognize his mother. She was a sweet woman.

     A few years after I knew of his existence, we were both in high school. He grew quickly in popularity. He always wore the highest fashion for the time, and would sport the latest shoes. Everyone loved him. He was known as Gio. Every month I would see him with cuffed to a new girl. I would watch him enter the building sometimes with his mistress. They would both giggle with excitement. He was on top of the world. A master of his very own domain. I grew jealous of him. Why can’t I be like that? Bringing bitches home? I would sometimes think. I grabbed my skateboard one day for my daily rounds, I would exit my building, and he sat down on the stoop in front with his newest girlfriend. They whispered in each other’s ears. She loved everything he would tell her. In the short time that I would stand on the top level of that stoop, I was able to tell exactly what was going on. He would whisper into her ear, “Ohhh you so bad!” She would exclaim. “Yeah, you know I got that.” She would stare daggers into his eyes and moan. They both then quickly got up and ran inside the building laughing together.

They had only been together for a day or two.

     I entered college. It had been almost a year at my dormitory in Long Island and it was time for me to come home to my family. Gio was still a solid resident of the building. Never letting go. It was a warm sunny day. The air was humid, and everyone in the Bronx was out and enjoying the weather. Children played happily in the sprinklers. I exited my apartment and Gio would take his normal position in front of the building. He was sitting with his newest girlfriend. She was a beauty of Spanish descent and background. Short in stature; her hair jet black, and brazen with blonde streaks. Her eyes bold, brown and beautiful. They would speak as close friends in front of the building, but everyone knew they were together and that they would be together for the long run. They looked perfect for each other.

     Maybe this chick is the one, I thought. Another year passes and I would exit my apartment to find the same couple sitting in front of the building. They made that little spot their home. It was beautiful. I would make my way down that stoop to be off to run my errands, “I love you,” the girl would say to him with pride. He would then reciprocate, “I love you too.” As I walked away, their voices would trail off. Her name was Veronica.

     Another 7 months passed by. I came back from a trip to Manhattan to my apartment building to find the same couple taking their place on the stoop. Gio and Veronica were there with Gio’s mother. I passed by, and something looked off about Veronica. She looked different in a big way. Holy shit, the bitch is pregnant!  She was 7 or 8 months into her pregnancy and almost ready to bring another life into this world.

     In my head I applauded the couple, but at the same time, I felt remorse for Gio. It looked like there was a lot more that he could’ve done with his life. After all, he was my age.  He was a youth who refused to conform to society and released himself of any taboo.

     Another 6 or so months pass by. I exited my building. The sky was black with night, and the cold air was bitter. I expected to see the couple standing on the stoop getting ready for whatever it was that they had to get done, or returning home for a warm nightcap, as per usual. Whatever the situation could have been. What I ended up seeing as I made my way through the heavy door was an angry Veronica pushing a large stroller towards the building directly adjacent to mine. The building was riddled with sadness and had a dull brown tone. This particular building held its own mythology and lore. She entered the building. About 3 minutes afterwards, a tall Hispanic woman hurriedly ran out of the building. She donned a tight black leather skirt, fishnet stockings, and a pink Victoria’s Secret bra. Nothing more. She ran out and across the street, her breath hanging in the air. Her face revealed tones of extreme embarrassment. Her leather high heels clipped and clopped across the hard concrete floor.

This can’t be good.

     I watched the once happy couple exit the terribly unkempt building, “You be buggin mah nigga!” She yelled violently. “I don’t know what the fuck you talkin’ about!” yelled back Gio. Veronica bit back with ferocity, “Who the fuck was that bitch in the room with you? Who the fuck was that? You think I’m fuckin’ stupid, mah nigga!” Gio responded, “That was just mah friend! Why the fuck you buggin for?” Their voices echoed into the night. Some innocent passers by watched in horror as the once happy couple ridiculed each other in public. “You really think I’m fuckin’ stupid, mah nigga? She was butt ass naked on the bed!” She took a quick second to make an attempt to compose herself, “Let’s get the fuck out of here! Wit yo triflin’ ass! I can’t fuckin’ believe I put up wit yo ass! You’re a real piece of fuckin’ shit!”

     The baby started to cry and wail as Veronica ate Gio alive. I watched from across the street waiting for my bus. Veronica started to push the stroller away from the building and Gio snuck back inside. I didn’t know what was going on and I could only watch from across the street and think:

     Wow. I can’t believe I watched this dude since I was a kid only for it to have to come to this. My mind was blown to bits at the sight. I was almost fallen into a trance, lost in my own thoughts and the following voice had awoken me.

“JOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

      Veronica yelled up at the building. Her voice boomed. He was nowhere to be found. She asked one of the stoop-dwellers, “Where the fuck is he?” He responded, “He went up to get his coat.” She yelled, “He better get his ass the fuck down here!” She started muttering to herself, “I can’t believe I done had a fucking baby with this mothafucka. He’s such a fuckin’ lowlife. Watch, imma leave his ass and he won’t have nowhere to go!” Gio finally exited the building donning his red coat. She whacks him once in the head as their child continued to cry, “Fucking asshole! Let’s go!”

     She led the way, pushing the stroller, as he slowly trailed behind her in deep shame and regret. His tail hanging between his legs. 

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Porn Stars: Another Misogynistic Rant?

PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED

*Porn Stars*
Sometimes I just don't get the blurred ideology behind the glorified film prostitute?
Did I just say that?
I didn't mean "prostitute"....I don't know...I guess I did...

I don't know who the fuck this is, by the way, and I don't fucking care...Jenna something...

What I guess I'm trying to say is that the basis of the "profession" of the Porn Star is by looks alone and not by personality. Forgive me for stating the obvious, but I can't imagine a producer hiring a young "talent" solely because she worked for Google at one point and expertly plays multiple musical instruments, and that she's a total sweetheart, or on the other hand, a total bitch. She'd have to fuck him, and if she fucks him good, then she's good for the job. I don't fucking know, isn't that how it goes?

I've seen videos where the girl is a complete sweetheart before, during and after the sex. You know, one of those videos where the camera dude kind of interviews the girl and she's all like "Teehee, Ive never had a black cock before." And then after she comes, or he comes on her, or whatever the fuck happens, the camera dude is all like "How was it?" and the girl is like, panting uncontrollably, and she's like "Teehee, it was good!" One of those. Ive seen this one particular video where this amazingly beautiful girl gets gangbanged by like, 12 guys, and then she's interviewed afterward. She starts crying tears of joy because of the "attention she was getting" from all the guys jizzing on her face. She said she "never felt attention like that before and that is what she lives for"

Dad must be proud.

I've seen videos where the girl becomes a complete psychotic bitch because her hair wasn't pulled the way she liked it. Where the girl was spat on her face. Where the girl hears one derogatory term from the guy like "You like that, bitch?" and she just goes fucking bananas apeshit. Then she feels she has the right to walk off the set and curse out the director, calling him an "asshole, and a prick", and yelling hysterically that she didn't know she was gonna be getting a mouth full of come. 

THAT'S WHAT YOU APPLIED FOR YOU DUMB FUCKING IDIOT BROAD!

The thing is that these girls were hired for the job. Because whatever idiot fuckhead deemed them willing and able to do the job upon hire. What mattered were their looks and abilities. Not who they were. It's sad, but something I ended up concluding. Any girl can be a porn star or be in a porno film, if they had the abilities, and the physical structure, and if they wanted to expand on that. (Breast implants, etc.) 

I'm gonna go out on a limb and also conclude that the porn industry isn't exactly "picky" A girl with a flat ass , a cleanly shaven pussy, midsized breasts and buck teeth and who happens to be sociopathic, nymphomanic, and borderline psychotic has just about an equal chance in a low budget porno than a girl with a huge curved ass and large breasts and a perfect face whose a total sweetheart. It doesn't fucking matter. They both want the job, they both will get the job. That producer you're gonna have to end up fucking could give two shits if you graduated summa cum laude out of Cornell in 2009.

Consider this:

It's late night, and you're in the mood to get one off before you hit the sack (and if you're reading this and going "Ew", shut your fucking mouth, and stop being such a fucking prude. We've all been there and still go there, and that fucking includes you!) You go to your favorite porn site and you generally have over a million choices of pornos to watch from hundreds of different genres (provided you know where you're looking.) You're in the mood to try something new, but in range to what you like. Does it really matter if you watch:

Sabrina Jewel Shows Off Her Hot Body and Fucks

or

Sexy Brunette with HUGE Boobs sucks AND Fucks a HUGE cock!!! 

when in BOTH videos:

-Some dumb bitch dancing for the camera and spilling oil all over her body for some unknown reason
-Some douche shows off his dick
-She sucks his cock
-He lays her down on her back
-He fucks her tits, or whatever
-Missionary
-Guy on top
-Girl on top
-Doggy style
-Hard fucking
-She sucks his cock
-He comes on her face
-End of video

Two completely different girls.
Two completely different backgrounds, histories, creeds and races
Two very similar videos.
Similar sexual abilities and strengths
One named, and one unnamed
In both videos the face rarely ever shown

YOU WATCH THE FUCKING VIDEO!
YOU JERK OFF OR FLICK YOUR FUCKING BEAN!
YOU MOAN!
YOU GET OFF!
YOU EAT YOUR FUCKING COOKIE!
YOU GO THE FUCK TO BED!
YOU GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!!!!!!

I rest my case.

-I don't get porn-

Thursday, February 16, 2012

"This One Time" A Small Collection Of Short, Humorous Vignettes

This one time I had sex with this girl. It was our first time with each other. She loved sex and so did I. I still love it... She moaned and pleaded for more throughout the night. Shit fell from off the shelves. After we finished and we laid in bed together. We were hungry. I hovered over her and said, "Do you wanna go a second round?" She smirked, "It's late. If we go again, we're not going out to eat."

We went out to eat.


This one time I had sex with this woman. We watched Baby Mama with Amy Poehler at her house after a date. It was her birthday and I knew she liked me, so I kissed her. She kissed back. She unzipped my jeans and gave me a blow job. I was wearing a shirt and tie. She pulled me by my tie into her bed and we had sex. We laid in bed together afterwards, and she turned over to me. I turned over to her. "I never asked you how old you were," I whispered.


She whispered back, "I told you, I'm 32!"

This one time I had sex with this girl. She was significantly younger than me, but not by very much. It didn't matter. She grew to like me over a very short time. She had an accent. We made out by the East River one night, "I want it so bad!" she said to me. The following night after a date in the city, we went back to her room. We had sex, and through most of the time, she talked. Instructing me and telling me what to do, "Put your finger into my pussy like this, then rub your thumb up on my clit like tha--...yeah....like that!" My eyes widened for that brief moment, "Ohh, okay! Thats much easier...now shut the fuck up!!" She laughed, clicked her tongue and winked, "Stick it in."

It took her 2 hours to climax.
We went to the laundromat right after.

This one time I had sex with this girl. We weren't really having sex. She and her fat Asian friend picked me up from a bar out of nowhere and invited me to a rave party across the street. La Poisson Rouge. She kissed me and danced with me. She let me dig into her spandex pants. Her top was connected to her panties. I was drunk. Turned out she was wearing this weird one piece leotard under her pants. "Who wears this shit?" I thought to myself. Trying to finger her was like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. I eventually found an easy way in. Her breath reeked of cigarette smoke and I loved it. She cried and moaned amidst the loud, booming music. 

She climaxed and squirted in the middle of the linoleum dance floor.
She shook and shivered violently. "We gotta get the fuck outta here!" she said.

Shortly after, some guy at the rave party slipped on her come. He fell and cracked his head wide open.
My thoughts are with his family.

This one time I had sex with this girl. We were going hard, It was about an hour and a half in. We heard the tumblers of the lock turn. It was my roommate. We both froze up and stared into the light as the door opened. He casually walked in with a tired look. Her and I were still frozen. In shock under covers. He didn't even glance at us once. He lumbered over to his bed and sat down. He changed his shoes, and it appeared as though he was leaving again. Something he normally did anyway. As he left, he said:

"Pump one in there for me, bro."

The door closed shut.

Thursday, February 9, 2012