Sunday, December 25, 2011

My Christmas Gift to the Internet

I was writing episode 7 of my "Sit Down Comedy" series but I didn't make my deadline. It was supposed to have been filmed and uploaded the week before Christmas, but I didn't make it. 
So instead of scrapping the whole thing, I decided to post the script on this here bloggy thing for you to read and enjoy. 
This is my gift to all my fans of the show.
Notice the festive Christmas-y colors

Aaron's Sit Down Comedy "The Christmas Wish List From Hell"

Hey guys
Its me again
Before I start I just wanna get all the greetings out of the way
Merry Christmas
Happy Kwanzaa
Happy Chanukah
Happy Holidays
If you don’t like Happy Holidays then Happy shut the fuck up
If you don’t like that then Merry go fuck yourself

Also I wanted to thank all of my fans and watchers
For following me this far
All…12 of you
You guys are the reason i keep making these videos
Thanks for all your support

I thought I'd take the time to share my Christmas wish list this year
Also im completely out of jokes to write for the next like week
So fuck it…

Heres my Christmas wish list:

-Alcohol flavored Gatorade

-Gatorade flavored alcohol


-A midget butler

-An Olympic sized pool filled with pudding

-The passion of the Christ Part 2


-I want to hire a porn star to punch all of my best friends in the face

-I wanna fly to Brooklyn
In a concord jet
Just because

-I want a grenade that spreads a cloud of aids when it explodes
An AIDS grenade
“GrenAIDS” would be the name

-I wanna run into one of my exes
At a white castle
So I can make my order
Then fuck it up
Then make a bigger order
Then I fuck that up….
Then I make a huge order…wait for it to be done
Then leave

-A subscription to Idiot Retard Quarterly
Other might call this magazine Entertainment Weekly

-A bag of m&ms with my face on them

-I wanna find out that my ex survived a plane crash
And the pilot was like fuck it well try again
And then tried to fly again
And then crashed and killed everyone

-I wanna find out that I was actually adopted

-I want to make it so on my deathbed
All my current exes rush by my side
So I can tell them with my dying breath
To go to hell one last time

-I wanna get really shit faced hammered drunk and somehow end up
In a womens bathroom at a mcdonalds
In Indonesia

And finally the $7 I paid for this stupid fucking santa hat to make this fucking video

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Random Thought Patterns

Micheal Furgeson from the Bronx
Vanessa Lakbachi from France

Doing math at a Starbucks, leaving me practically by myself with my own thoughts while they do math out loud.

Here's what's been going on in my head for the last 15 minutes and for the next, probably, half hour:

Vanessa still has a hilarious accent even for the 3 years I've known her. I love it
Micheal really IS good at math.
I wonder if Rick Perry emails in tongues..

It'd be all like:

To My Democratic Scum Adversaries,

shamama lslsla lamama lalamamalshala slahala slahaha slslshshshs ahhh shala shala shalahs 

Rick Perry 

P.S. ahhhhhhhh!!!!

I also wonder if Anne Heche text messages in wingdings
The shawl Vanessa is wearing is a weird tan color and her accent is still hilarious.
I wish I wore glasses
This Starbucks is playing the absolute worst Starbucks music. It's country western and terrible. I feel like I'm at a cafe where the Country Music Awards would be held....In a town near Galveston, Texas
At the time I wrote that last thought, the music changed to a more Christmas-y tune. I like it
My coffee is gone
I just realized this is kind of a live feed of my thoughts almost literally being spilled onto this keyboard
I really need a beer
I realized I'm terrible at math
I really need a beer
There's a little bit of coffee left and it's kinda cold
I havent cursed yet during this entire post
That kinda felt better
Waking up is a reason for me to have a beer and celebrate...and I mean that in the worst way possible
My ex is online on the dating site where I met her. This is making my stomach twist in ways unexplainable
The girl I made out with at the bar still hasn't texted me back yet
I wonder why I'm terrible at meeting girls
I never meet the "easy" ones
I'd like that luxury for once
I need a beer
Hipsters like myself at a Starbucks using Mac computers, and here Mike is with a huge ass ASUS
Ok, fuck a beer, i need several shots
I just realized I'm gonna see my grandmother this weekend with the old cuz crew, and I'll be there serving as bartender while everyone else cooks dinner....something tells me this is a bad idea
Is that even politically correct you think?
I still despise Tumblr
I think i can come up with 10 things right from the top of my head that i hate with a passion

1. Tumblr
2. Kim Kardashian
4. Nuvo (it's NOT liquor)
5. Ann Coulter's vagina
6. January 2nd
7. Jersey shouldn't allowed to get paid for being retarded....
8. The word "Twatching"
9. Tim Tebow
10. Columbian Roast coffee

There's more, but I'll keep it down to 10
Am I almost drained with thoughts?
Sarcasm is not just a language, It's a way of life
It's not that cold outside
I really do hate Tumblr
This bag I'm looking at is blue
"No, Fuck!"
This wall is made of old coffee bags
I should stop while I'm behind
But if I stop now, I'll have nothing to do
Women with weird faces
Sonic the Fledgeblog
The Bionic Woman
Attack of the 60ft Lesbian
Tonight is Karaoke night at the Wicked Willy's
The fuck am I gonna do tomorrow??
There's some other guy here with a Dell computer, full sized, but miniature compared to Mike's computer
"Mee tew" That's how Vanessa says "Me too"
She also says "injewrais" instead of "injuries"
All this ongoing math talk is making my fucking head hurt
My ex got mad at me once because I was late to meet up with her...once
Maybe thats why she left me
Reverse Engineering
I'm gonna open an egg nog store with my good friend Bryton
I'm getting an aneurysm....and a stroke....and a heart the same time...
One of those 5th grade boners that don't go away for a while
I hope people haven't given up reading this yet
I'm thinking about sex, but I'm not gonna write that
"Now we're in the process of doing it" -Mike
You have one minute to solve a financial crisis
Lens Flare
Bus Fare
Best Buy
I'm almost done, I promise
Fat women who call themselves love goddesses
For future reference
I can't believe I've been thinking up all this shit
Literally shit
Mental Diarrhea
It just won't stop
Why is tango music playing at a Starbucks?
I wanna break out in song
All seats are now taken
"I'm pretty crazy right now"
So apparently Vanessa will be joining us for a late dinner.
Mike plans on ruining all our lives
"I add everyone including your mom"and then they're all like buh buh buhhhh"
OK I'm done