Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Beer Diaries Part 1


9:20pm, Tuesday
Hooters

So I was not able to replace my power cord because the Apple retards at the fucking Apple store were all booked with people that they needed to see. So fuck it, I’m going to check out the critically acclaimed Hooters on 56th Street.

I see 6 different hostesses standing at the door with no more than 14 or so guests sitting at the dining tables. All these bitches are dressed the same.

“All of you are hostesses?” I ask as I walk in. “Yeah” One of the hostesses replied. “On a Tuesday? Is that necessary?” I sarcastically retort. They all laugh sheepishly and awkwardly.

“No, you don’t get a table” The bartender yells from…well…the fucking bar. I retort sarcastically “Is it for being unfunny?”

“Fucking sluts” I cynically think to myself.

“Way to make a fucking first impression in front of a bunch of girls who would rather kill themselves than think about talking to a guy like you…idiot.” I continue to think to myself as I sit to my seemingly secluded table.

I’m walked to my table…for one, and holy fuck. This shit is no joke. Ive honestly never been here and these girls seriously dress in low cut shirts, and booty shorts exposing much of the lower ass part. I can never help but look whenever they pass by. They wear excessive make up, and act bubbly and retarded. I literally paid $5.25 for a bottle of Budweiser, and I instantly start to hate myself for that and for just being here.

I pay and leave.

10:00 Tuesday
The Grisly Pear Bar and Comedy Club

I finally went to a comedy club for the first time (albeit by myself), because the idiot I have a crush on (again) cancelled on me for the umpteenth time. Even still, I had an amazing time.

I was part of an audience of ten other people and I had the time of my life.

Fuck you Applebee’s. I’m NOT paying 6 dollars for a pint of Budweiser. You’re officially on my shit list. 
Just a thought =)

11:19pm, Tuesday 10/25
Thunder Jackson’s

Overly ecstatic bartender at the Thunder can go fuck herself. Not because she’s white but because she’s overly ecstatic. Her enthusiasm sickens me. I’m not a racist…all the time. She waved to me as if she knew me when I walked in. How can I walk away from 2-dollar domestic drafts? This bar, especially the bar area because I’m sitting at a table is and can probably be considered the New York City of bar areas because there’s all types of people here.

Blacks…whites……… blacks…

But enough of the positivity.

This bar is obviously full of fucking idiots, and I just happen to be one of them. And my ex girlfriend still wont answer the fucking phone, so you know what? Fuck her. Thankfully the last time I was here, I wasn’t with her. I was by myself and 3 other people at the bar watching the game no one cared about…on a Monday. (The time before that I was here….......…. I was here… at this bar... with her…)

“Why aren’t you here hanging out with us, and you're over there writing by yourself?” A random black girl asks me while I’m trying to order another beer. I reply by basically humoring her and telling her I’m a writer and a blogger and I’m writing this fucking entry that you and maybe 34 other people happen to either be reading or have read maybe half way through and then gave up.

I go back to my seat, alone, and continue to write this fucking entry. 

White yuppies, a mixed crowd, cheap beer. Welcome to Bleeker Street on a Tuesday night.

11:20, Tuesday
Wicked Willy’s

Here just to see a bunch of idiots (including me) butcher a bunch of very famous, infamous and popular songs. That pretty sums up the synopsis of this place. Come on the right day, and youll see the right people, doing the wrong things, and that just happens to be defaming the all right pieces of music. 3 dollars for Rum and Coke, or Tequila shots.

I have a couple more beers, 2 tequila shots, 3 rum and cokes, and some other shit.

You can never beat the deals here at Bleeker….except…


1:50am Wednesday
Souk

…it’s a fucking hipster ass place with laser lights and people in costumes. Being as drunk as I am and being in an environment like the one I was just in can really take a lot out of you. I took 2 drags from cigarettes from 2 different people, and I would NOT be surprised if I got herpes tomorrow.

A girl I met, Natalie, and some other chick I met from some other chick I met from the bar previous.

I go to the bar.

16 dollard for a cocktail?
8 dollars for a beer?
7 dollars for a mixed drink?

Go fuck yourself.

I run into more people in costumes and makeup.
I'm fucking freaked the fuck out by the hookah, and the lasers and the retards, and I leave.

Another one of the most surreal experiences ive ever had.

Time to eat....again

2:30, Wednesday
McDonalds

This is my second McRib of the night, so I’d like to think of myself as a hero, or a prophet. Proving that you can have more than one of these devilishly delicious and diarrhea inducing sandwiches and still walk away without cancer.

So I’m single once more (since my last ex which I met online left me) and I’m at it again. Hunting the women’s naughty bits; and that’s what this entire night may have been about except for the excessive baggage form trying to carry this fucking god forsaken laptop writing all this shit.

I’m now currently on the train home, and will be drunkenly rushing  home to play some video game I wont remember playing until tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Women.....




Women are multi faceted individuals and no two are the same. Women come in literally thousands of different flavors, and come in a wide range and spectrum. Id honestly be writing for days if I were to list the different types of women there are in the world. 

I’m not a misogynist (all the time). I don’t hate women (all the time). I don’t bash and I’m not a homosexual. There are just certain things about women that piss me off beyond belief. There is one particular thing about women that just burns my shit in all the wrong places.

There are women with concrete personalities, and then women with inverse personalities, where you wouldn’t be able to tell that a woman is the way she is by the way she looks

Example: Someone who dresses punk and hardcore with tattoos and shit is actually very meek and timid

Y'know….that kind of thing.

Then there are my favorite kind of women that I enjoy making fun of and getting mad at. These women top my list of the most annoying type in the world, and these females absolutely fucking beg for apocalypse.

There are women out there whom I believe to beg and would die for attention, but at the same time, do it subconsciously.

These women buy booster bras, and attention grabbing shirts that say sexy things like “Cum Dumpster” or “Porn Star”.

or:

um...yeah...

These women are out constantly buying jeans that say “Juicy” or “Insert and release here” on the butt part.

or one of these, everyone's seen them:



These women get what most people like to call “tramp stamps”. For people that do not know, It’s a tattoo that girls like to get on the lower back. It’s usually a tribal symbol, or their name, or their kid’s name. Yes. Their KID.

I don't even want to put up a picture, because not only does and should everyone know what they look like, they make me sick when I see them.

These women like to dress uncouth, sometimes on purpose, sometimes not, and they like to get angry or annoyed when people (mostly men) look or stare.  

Now, I'm pretty sure there are going to be some harsh rebuttals. A lot of you, my readers are gonna be like "well, women want t be able to express themselves, and it doesn't matter who looks, or who says what, or bluh bluh bluh"

WELL, I DONT GIVE A FUCK!


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The People vs. Smartphones

It's a camera
It's an mp3 player
It's a calculator
It's a map
It's a teaching tool
It's a dictionary
It's a newspaper
It's a check-in tool
It's Youtube
It's a flashlight
It's WebMD
It's an art gallery
It's a portable videogame console
It can make fart noises
It's Craigslist
It's a library
It's Twitter and Facebook
It tells you where the hottest spots are locally
That song that's playing at the Walgreen's? Yeah, it knows what song that is.....

Dear Sweet Tap Dancing Jesus Christ what is it?

It's a smartphone.

Everyone has one. For "most" of us, it's changed our lives, how we do things, how we function, how we think. They make our lives easier, and they're crazy hella fun to use. 

MOST.......of us.

WHY THE FUCK ARE SOME PEOPLE NOT ABLE TO USE ONE OF THESE THINGS?

There are seriously people out there who spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on these phones, and their services and are unable to use them. People who get lost in New York City, and don't know where to go will ask people again and again, but have like a Droid Incredible sitting in their pocket.

One day in Manhattan:

Some Idiot: Excuse me, sir could you help me?
Me: Um, sure whats up?
Idiot: I need to get to (I fucking forgot, it doesn't matter)
Me: Yeah, okay, well first ya gotta walk 4 blocks up, and then....wait a minute....*spots iPhone in Idiot's hand*...Um, is that an iPhone in your hand?
Idiot: Um yeah, why?
Me: Is it dead?
Idiot: No, its fully charged
Me: *leaves*

It's called a "smartphone" for a reason. It's smarter than you, me and 99.9% of their owners. It knows everything! You literally have a tiny supercomputer in your back pocket.....USE IT!!!!!

Let me tell you about my experience with this today: I'm at a Burger King (because i needed to drown my anger and sorrow with grease) and this little asian tourist lady is sitting down with a map of the MTA trains that she printed out.....PRINTED OUT!!! While she is having trouble reading the map and figuring out where to go, she is holding a iPhone 4 IN HER HAND....

I wanted to rage and yell so hard at her:

YOU HAVE AN IPHONE 4 IN YOUR HAND! FUCKING USE IT, YOU RETARD!!!! YOU HAVE ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR AND SOUGHT AFTER PHONES IN THE HISTORY OF COMMUNICATION, AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO USE IT. YOUR MONEY WENT TO SEVERE AND COMPLETE WASTE!!!!

There are people who are unable to use them. They're fucking retarded. Then there are people out there who buy and own these phones, and are unaware of what these phones can do. There are people out there who just fucking buy the phone just to say they have it.

THIS BURNS MY SHIT ON SO MANY LEVELS!!!

I have friends who sport the latest Android phones. I get to check them out. No apps, no music, no wallpaper, a couple of pictures. Everything is at factory settings. I'll kindly ask "Why is there nothing going on with your phone?" They'll respond "Uh idunno". I'll retort "So, why did you get this phone?". And finally I'll get "Um cuz it's the shit! I just use it for like calling and texting and shit."

Now, granted there are also some people out there who use smartphones for the most inane and just simply retarded tasks. There are apps out there like Strobe Light, Fatbooth, instagram, Bleep Noise, Drummer, Pianist, and many, many other that people use for fun. This is acceptable, if not tolerable. These people know what smartphones can do, even though they don't use the phone to its true potential. They are aware that their phone can do different, fun things.

I own an EVO 4G, the competitor to the iPhone and Sprint's flagship phone. Though it's not rooted, its still an amazing phone, and it does everything I want it to and more. I love it and I use it to its utmost potential. It's honestly changed my life.

So, if you have a smartphone, and are too fucking stupid to use it, or just don't know how to use it, or just simply refuse to learn or know......

MetroPCS has the perfect phone for you....
Go get it....

Till next time.



Wednesday, October 5, 2011

RIP

Today we lost a genius. A visionary. An icon.

Steve Jobs (1955-2011)

Saturday, October 1, 2011

My Message To:

People who SAY they can take a joke and then go HAM apeshit (I can't believe i used the fucking word HAM) when a joke is said and they take something the wrong way...

It's full of shit!

Just like you!

=)