Sunday, December 25, 2011

My Christmas Gift to the Internet

I was writing episode 7 of my "Sit Down Comedy" series but I didn't make my deadline. It was supposed to have been filmed and uploaded the week before Christmas, but I didn't make it. 
So instead of scrapping the whole thing, I decided to post the script on this here bloggy thing for you to read and enjoy. 
This is my gift to all my fans of the show.
Notice the festive Christmas-y colors

Aaron's Sit Down Comedy "The Christmas Wish List From Hell"


Hey guys
Its me again
Before I start I just wanna get all the greetings out of the way
Merry Christmas
Happy Kwanzaa
Happy Chanukah
Happy Holidays
If you don’t like Happy Holidays then Happy shut the fuck up
If you don’t like that then Merry go fuck yourself

Also I wanted to thank all of my fans and watchers
For following me this far
All…12 of you
You guys are the reason i keep making these videos
Thanks for all your support


I thought I'd take the time to share my Christmas wish list this year
Also im completely out of jokes to write for the next like week
So fuck it…

Heres my Christmas wish list:

-Alcohol flavored Gatorade

-Gatorade flavored alcohol

-Snow

-A midget butler

-An Olympic sized pool filled with pudding

-The passion of the Christ Part 2

-$753

-I want to hire a porn star to punch all of my best friends in the face

-I wanna fly to Brooklyn
In a concord jet
Just because

-I want a grenade that spreads a cloud of aids when it explodes
An AIDS grenade
“GrenAIDS” would be the name

-I wanna run into one of my exes
At a white castle
So I can make my order
Then fuck it up
Then make a bigger order
Then I fuck that up….
Then I make a huge order…wait for it to be done
Then leave

-A subscription to Idiot Retard Quarterly
Other might call this magazine Entertainment Weekly

-A bag of m&ms with my face on them

-I wanna find out that my ex survived a plane crash
And the pilot was like fuck it well try again
And then tried to fly again
And then crashed and killed everyone

-I wanna find out that I was actually adopted

-I want to make it so on my deathbed
All my current exes rush by my side
So I can tell them with my dying breath
To go to hell one last time

-I wanna get really shit faced hammered drunk and somehow end up
In a womens bathroom at a mcdonalds
In Indonesia

And finally the $7 I paid for this stupid fucking santa hat to make this fucking video

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Random Thought Patterns

Micheal Furgeson from the Bronx
Vanessa Lakbachi from France

Doing math at a Starbucks, leaving me practically by myself with my own thoughts while they do math out loud.

Here's what's been going on in my head for the last 15 minutes and for the next, probably, half hour:

Vanessa still has a hilarious accent even for the 3 years I've known her. I love it
Micheal really IS good at math.
I wonder if Rick Perry emails in tongues..

It'd be all like:

To My Democratic Scum Adversaries,


shamama lslsla lamama lalamamalshala slahala slahaha slslshshshs ahhh shala shala shalahs 


Sincerely, 
Rick Perry 


P.S. ahhhhhhhh!!!!

I also wonder if Anne Heche text messages in wingdings
The shawl Vanessa is wearing is a weird tan color and her accent is still hilarious.
I wish I wore glasses
This Starbucks is playing the absolute worst Starbucks music. It's country western and terrible. I feel like I'm at a cafe where the Country Music Awards would be held....In a town near Galveston, Texas
At the time I wrote that last thought, the music changed to a more Christmas-y tune. I like it
My coffee is gone
I just realized this is kind of a live feed of my thoughts almost literally being spilled onto this keyboard
I really need a beer
I realized I'm terrible at math
I really need a beer
There's a little bit of coffee left and it's kinda cold
I havent cursed yet during this entire post
Fuck
That kinda felt better
Waking up is a reason for me to have a beer and celebrate...and I mean that in the worst way possible
My ex is online on the dating site where I met her. This is making my stomach twist in ways unexplainable
The girl I made out with at the bar still hasn't texted me back yet
I wonder why I'm terrible at meeting girls
I never meet the "easy" ones
I'd like that luxury for once
I need a beer
Hipsters like myself at a Starbucks using Mac computers, and here Mike is with a huge ass ASUS
Ok, fuck a beer, i need several shots
I just realized I'm gonna see my grandmother this weekend with the old cuz crew, and I'll be there serving as bartender while everyone else cooks dinner....something tells me this is a bad idea
Is that even politically correct you think?
I still despise Tumblr
I think i can come up with 10 things right from the top of my head that i hate with a passion


1. Tumblr
2. Kim Kardashian
3. Eminem....now....
4. Nuvo (it's NOT liquor)
5. Ann Coulter's vagina
6. January 2nd
7. Jersey Shore...you shouldn't allowed to get paid for being retarded....
8. The word "Twatching"
9. Tim Tebow
10. Columbian Roast coffee

There's more, but I'll keep it down to 10
Am I almost drained with thoughts?
Sarcasm is not just a language, It's a way of life
It's not that cold outside
I really do hate Tumblr
This bag I'm looking at is blue
"No, Fuck!"
This wall is made of old coffee bags
I should stop while I'm behind
But if I stop now, I'll have nothing to do
Women with weird faces
Sonic the Fledgeblog
The Bionic Woman
Attack of the 60ft Lesbian
Tonight is Karaoke night at the Wicked Willy's
The fuck am I gonna do tomorrow??
There's some other guy here with a Dell computer, full sized, but miniature compared to Mike's computer
"Mee tew" That's how Vanessa says "Me too"
She also says "injewrais" instead of "injuries"
All this ongoing math talk is making my fucking head hurt
My ex got mad at me once because I was late to meet up with her...once
Maybe thats why she left me
Reverse Engineering
I'm gonna open an egg nog store with my good friend Bryton
I'm getting an aneurysm....and a stroke....and a heart attack....at the same time...
One of those 5th grade boners that don't go away for a while
Tricycles
I hope people haven't given up reading this yet
I'm thinking about sex, but I'm not gonna write that
Fuck
"Now we're in the process of doing it" -Mike
You have one minute to solve a financial crisis
Lens Flare
Bus Fare
Best Buy
I'm almost done, I promise
Fat women who call themselves love goddesses
For future reference
I can't believe I've been thinking up all this shit
Literally shit
Mental Diarrhea
It just won't stop
Why is tango music playing at a Starbucks?
I wanna break out in song
GIVE ME MY PURSE
All seats are now taken
"I'm pretty crazy right now"
So apparently Vanessa will be joining us for a late dinner.
DA CAMERRAHH
Mike plans on ruining all our lives
"I add everyone including your mom"and then they're all like buh buh buhhhh"
OK I'm done

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Beer Diaries Part 1


9:20pm, Tuesday
Hooters

So I was not able to replace my power cord because the Apple retards at the fucking Apple store were all booked with people that they needed to see. So fuck it, I’m going to check out the critically acclaimed Hooters on 56th Street.

I see 6 different hostesses standing at the door with no more than 14 or so guests sitting at the dining tables. All these bitches are dressed the same.

“All of you are hostesses?” I ask as I walk in. “Yeah” One of the hostesses replied. “On a Tuesday? Is that necessary?” I sarcastically retort. They all laugh sheepishly and awkwardly.

“No, you don’t get a table” The bartender yells from…well…the fucking bar. I retort sarcastically “Is it for being unfunny?”

“Fucking sluts” I cynically think to myself.

“Way to make a fucking first impression in front of a bunch of girls who would rather kill themselves than think about talking to a guy like you…idiot.” I continue to think to myself as I sit to my seemingly secluded table.

I’m walked to my table…for one, and holy fuck. This shit is no joke. Ive honestly never been here and these girls seriously dress in low cut shirts, and booty shorts exposing much of the lower ass part. I can never help but look whenever they pass by. They wear excessive make up, and act bubbly and retarded. I literally paid $5.25 for a bottle of Budweiser, and I instantly start to hate myself for that and for just being here.

I pay and leave.

10:00 Tuesday
The Grisly Pear Bar and Comedy Club

I finally went to a comedy club for the first time (albeit by myself), because the idiot I have a crush on (again) cancelled on me for the umpteenth time. Even still, I had an amazing time.

I was part of an audience of ten other people and I had the time of my life.

Fuck you Applebee’s. I’m NOT paying 6 dollars for a pint of Budweiser. You’re officially on my shit list. 
Just a thought =)

11:19pm, Tuesday 10/25
Thunder Jackson’s

Overly ecstatic bartender at the Thunder can go fuck herself. Not because she’s white but because she’s overly ecstatic. Her enthusiasm sickens me. I’m not a racist…all the time. She waved to me as if she knew me when I walked in. How can I walk away from 2-dollar domestic drafts? This bar, especially the bar area because I’m sitting at a table is and can probably be considered the New York City of bar areas because there’s all types of people here.

Blacks…whites……… blacks…

But enough of the positivity.

This bar is obviously full of fucking idiots, and I just happen to be one of them. And my ex girlfriend still wont answer the fucking phone, so you know what? Fuck her. Thankfully the last time I was here, I wasn’t with her. I was by myself and 3 other people at the bar watching the game no one cared about…on a Monday. (The time before that I was here….......…. I was here… at this bar... with her…)

“Why aren’t you here hanging out with us, and you're over there writing by yourself?” A random black girl asks me while I’m trying to order another beer. I reply by basically humoring her and telling her I’m a writer and a blogger and I’m writing this fucking entry that you and maybe 34 other people happen to either be reading or have read maybe half way through and then gave up.

I go back to my seat, alone, and continue to write this fucking entry. 

White yuppies, a mixed crowd, cheap beer. Welcome to Bleeker Street on a Tuesday night.

11:20, Tuesday
Wicked Willy’s

Here just to see a bunch of idiots (including me) butcher a bunch of very famous, infamous and popular songs. That pretty sums up the synopsis of this place. Come on the right day, and youll see the right people, doing the wrong things, and that just happens to be defaming the all right pieces of music. 3 dollars for Rum and Coke, or Tequila shots.

I have a couple more beers, 2 tequila shots, 3 rum and cokes, and some other shit.

You can never beat the deals here at Bleeker….except…


1:50am Wednesday
Souk

…it’s a fucking hipster ass place with laser lights and people in costumes. Being as drunk as I am and being in an environment like the one I was just in can really take a lot out of you. I took 2 drags from cigarettes from 2 different people, and I would NOT be surprised if I got herpes tomorrow.

A girl I met, Natalie, and some other chick I met from some other chick I met from the bar previous.

I go to the bar.

16 dollard for a cocktail?
8 dollars for a beer?
7 dollars for a mixed drink?

Go fuck yourself.

I run into more people in costumes and makeup.
I'm fucking freaked the fuck out by the hookah, and the lasers and the retards, and I leave.

Another one of the most surreal experiences ive ever had.

Time to eat....again

2:30, Wednesday
McDonalds

This is my second McRib of the night, so I’d like to think of myself as a hero, or a prophet. Proving that you can have more than one of these devilishly delicious and diarrhea inducing sandwiches and still walk away without cancer.

So I’m single once more (since my last ex which I met online left me) and I’m at it again. Hunting the women’s naughty bits; and that’s what this entire night may have been about except for the excessive baggage form trying to carry this fucking god forsaken laptop writing all this shit.

I’m now currently on the train home, and will be drunkenly rushing  home to play some video game I wont remember playing until tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Women.....




Women are multi faceted individuals and no two are the same. Women come in literally thousands of different flavors, and come in a wide range and spectrum. Id honestly be writing for days if I were to list the different types of women there are in the world. 

I’m not a misogynist (all the time). I don’t hate women (all the time). I don’t bash and I’m not a homosexual. There are just certain things about women that piss me off beyond belief. There is one particular thing about women that just burns my shit in all the wrong places.

There are women with concrete personalities, and then women with inverse personalities, where you wouldn’t be able to tell that a woman is the way she is by the way she looks

Example: Someone who dresses punk and hardcore with tattoos and shit is actually very meek and timid

Y'know….that kind of thing.

Then there are my favorite kind of women that I enjoy making fun of and getting mad at. These women top my list of the most annoying type in the world, and these females absolutely fucking beg for apocalypse.

There are women out there whom I believe to beg and would die for attention, but at the same time, do it subconsciously.

These women buy booster bras, and attention grabbing shirts that say sexy things like “Cum Dumpster” or “Porn Star”.

or:

um...yeah...

These women are out constantly buying jeans that say “Juicy” or “Insert and release here” on the butt part.

or one of these, everyone's seen them:



These women get what most people like to call “tramp stamps”. For people that do not know, It’s a tattoo that girls like to get on the lower back. It’s usually a tribal symbol, or their name, or their kid’s name. Yes. Their KID.

I don't even want to put up a picture, because not only does and should everyone know what they look like, they make me sick when I see them.

These women like to dress uncouth, sometimes on purpose, sometimes not, and they like to get angry or annoyed when people (mostly men) look or stare.  

Now, I'm pretty sure there are going to be some harsh rebuttals. A lot of you, my readers are gonna be like "well, women want t be able to express themselves, and it doesn't matter who looks, or who says what, or bluh bluh bluh"

WELL, I DONT GIVE A FUCK!


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The People vs. Smartphones

It's a camera
It's an mp3 player
It's a calculator
It's a map
It's a teaching tool
It's a dictionary
It's a newspaper
It's a check-in tool
It's Youtube
It's a flashlight
It's WebMD
It's an art gallery
It's a portable videogame console
It can make fart noises
It's Craigslist
It's a library
It's Twitter and Facebook
It tells you where the hottest spots are locally
That song that's playing at the Walgreen's? Yeah, it knows what song that is.....

Dear Sweet Tap Dancing Jesus Christ what is it?

It's a smartphone.

Everyone has one. For "most" of us, it's changed our lives, how we do things, how we function, how we think. They make our lives easier, and they're crazy hella fun to use. 

MOST.......of us.

WHY THE FUCK ARE SOME PEOPLE NOT ABLE TO USE ONE OF THESE THINGS?

There are seriously people out there who spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on these phones, and their services and are unable to use them. People who get lost in New York City, and don't know where to go will ask people again and again, but have like a Droid Incredible sitting in their pocket.

One day in Manhattan:

Some Idiot: Excuse me, sir could you help me?
Me: Um, sure whats up?
Idiot: I need to get to (I fucking forgot, it doesn't matter)
Me: Yeah, okay, well first ya gotta walk 4 blocks up, and then....wait a minute....*spots iPhone in Idiot's hand*...Um, is that an iPhone in your hand?
Idiot: Um yeah, why?
Me: Is it dead?
Idiot: No, its fully charged
Me: *leaves*

It's called a "smartphone" for a reason. It's smarter than you, me and 99.9% of their owners. It knows everything! You literally have a tiny supercomputer in your back pocket.....USE IT!!!!!

Let me tell you about my experience with this today: I'm at a Burger King (because i needed to drown my anger and sorrow with grease) and this little asian tourist lady is sitting down with a map of the MTA trains that she printed out.....PRINTED OUT!!! While she is having trouble reading the map and figuring out where to go, she is holding a iPhone 4 IN HER HAND....

I wanted to rage and yell so hard at her:

YOU HAVE AN IPHONE 4 IN YOUR HAND! FUCKING USE IT, YOU RETARD!!!! YOU HAVE ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR AND SOUGHT AFTER PHONES IN THE HISTORY OF COMMUNICATION, AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO USE IT. YOUR MONEY WENT TO SEVERE AND COMPLETE WASTE!!!!

There are people who are unable to use them. They're fucking retarded. Then there are people out there who buy and own these phones, and are unaware of what these phones can do. There are people out there who just fucking buy the phone just to say they have it.

THIS BURNS MY SHIT ON SO MANY LEVELS!!!

I have friends who sport the latest Android phones. I get to check them out. No apps, no music, no wallpaper, a couple of pictures. Everything is at factory settings. I'll kindly ask "Why is there nothing going on with your phone?" They'll respond "Uh idunno". I'll retort "So, why did you get this phone?". And finally I'll get "Um cuz it's the shit! I just use it for like calling and texting and shit."

Now, granted there are also some people out there who use smartphones for the most inane and just simply retarded tasks. There are apps out there like Strobe Light, Fatbooth, instagram, Bleep Noise, Drummer, Pianist, and many, many other that people use for fun. This is acceptable, if not tolerable. These people know what smartphones can do, even though they don't use the phone to its true potential. They are aware that their phone can do different, fun things.

I own an EVO 4G, the competitor to the iPhone and Sprint's flagship phone. Though it's not rooted, its still an amazing phone, and it does everything I want it to and more. I love it and I use it to its utmost potential. It's honestly changed my life.

So, if you have a smartphone, and are too fucking stupid to use it, or just don't know how to use it, or just simply refuse to learn or know......

MetroPCS has the perfect phone for you....
Go get it....

Till next time.



Wednesday, October 5, 2011

RIP

Today we lost a genius. A visionary. An icon.

Steve Jobs (1955-2011)

Saturday, October 1, 2011

My Message To:

People who SAY they can take a joke and then go HAM apeshit (I can't believe i used the fucking word HAM) when a joke is said and they take something the wrong way...

It's full of shit!

Just like you!

=)

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Inner City New York Doesn't Get Enough Exposure

Im getting fucking tired of seeing this:

and this:
and fucking this!!!:

Fuck this! It's bullshit, and its fucking boring! It's all the same shit! See how they all look the same? Bunch of stuck up ass white kids, and black kids who act white who live in the most envied, exotic, and most sought after locations, and who do nothing but get into fights, arguments, and trouble...SNORE!!!! 

I'll admit the first couple of seasons were pretty groundbreaking:

Then: A social experiment. What would happen if we took different people from different backgrounds, and different creeds, and made them all live in the same house? Let's see how they all live and interact.

Now: A social catastrophe. Lets see what happens if we take a bunch of fucking idiots who already hate each other, doesn't matter who the fuck they are, fucking racists, atheists, whites, blacks, and we'll put them all in a fucking expensive loft, and provide them with everything and we'll see how long it takes before they rip each other to fucking shreds for our entertainment.

You already get enough programming of people beating the unholy fuck out of each other, getting into drama, and arguing. The Bad Girls Club, Jersey Shore, and whatever other crap VH1 and MTV has to offer. 

But what I want to see is 
The Real World: The Bronx
or 
The Real World: Brooklyn
or 
The Real World Jamaica, Queens

I want it, everyone else wants it. It needs to fucking happen. 

Wouldnt you want to see Shaquita beat the unholy fuck out of RayRay for drinking all the Grape Drink?
Wouldn't you want to see Taliqua get into an argument with Sha'naa over who gets the last weave?
Wouldn't you want to see Capritanice get into it with Tanisha about the picture from the club she was tagged on Facebook?

The answer is yes, and you fucking know it....

Another series that definitely deserves an inner city twist is MTV's Teen Mom, but ill get to that later. 

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

"You tolerate me!, You really, really tolerate me!"

I really hate when people on Facebook or, any other site, or even in public say that they thank the people who hate them for making them who they are. Fucking idiots who say that they love the people who hate them, because they feel some kind of superiority complex. Because it makes them feel better about themselves. You have already read it online, and you've heard it said before.

Here are some examples of "Pages" on Facebook I've pulled up about "haters"




This is one of the stupidest things I've ever seen on the internet, and on any kind of social site.

I swear life and society is just one big double fucking standard.

Of course you want to individualize yourself, and anyone who thinks differently can go fuck themselves. This much i can agree to. But this ideal of infamy, people just tend to take a little too far. You're supposed to hate the people who hate you, not love them. They do not benefit you in any way, shape or form.  When I feel that people don't like me, it does not make me feel better. That idea is retarded in its own right.

Think about the people you dislike. Why do you dislike them? More money? Fame? Popularity? Those people have all that and more, depending on the person of course. They don't need your hate. Nor do you need anyone else's.

This whole "you hate me so, I'm better than you" complex is fucking retarded and must be put to an end...

....which is not going to happen....

Your "haters" DO NOT make who who you are....Your experiences, your thoughts, your visions, your ideas, your personality (or lack thereof) makes you who you are.

Stupid Facebook Names

But of course one of my first official posts had to be about Facebook.

Ok, see this below?



Fucking retarded.

How the hell is anyone supposed to be able to find you when you're not registered with the name that you were given at birth? This little picture has two main peeves I have about people on this site. The stupid name, and the fact that she purposely misspelled "chunky" and Barbie and added like fucking a million i's. That really burns my shit, for some reason. I don't think this could scream "I'm hood" any louder. Do I really want to hit the Add Friend button?

The image was blurred to protect the mentally challenged.

First of many

First of all, welcome to my new blog where ill be ranting about dumb, but relevant shit.
A couple things you should know.

-This is not a happy blog
-I'll be cursing...ALOT...
-You'll be saying "hm, thats true"...ALOT..
-I'll be cursing...ALOT....
-This blog is NSFW....
-There wont be any posts about my vacation, my puppy (which I don't own), or my failing love life
-Dont like anything I have to say? Put a fucking sock in it
-I'm actually a nice guy
-I'll try not to post anything boring as shit
-I'll be writing about shit that pisses me off

that's pretty much it...

oh, and expect some funny shit....

Fuck Tumblr....